my pain is like a disability
keeping me crippled
stopping me from doing things within my capability
Nolay, Angels & Fly
Since Monday afternoon I had been in a bit of a funk. I got news that my doctor in Ottawa wants me to see a doctor in St. Catharines to follow-up on a “possible concern” that he has after my last check up. Now while this is only a “possible concern”, it was enough to catapult me from present-state-awareness to future-state-fucking-panic.
So from Monday until this morning, I’ve been battling a fear that has no shape, no substance, no tangibility. In addition to the fear, loneliness crept back in. I realized that I’m more afraid of being sick and alone than the sickness itself. After six years I should be used to the idea on being on my own, and I am for the most part, but when I think of going through another one of life’s trails on my own, my heart sinks.
After a fitful sleep I woke up this morning knowing that I’d given too much power to an unknown. I also realized that while I was working on my “unique talent”, I had ignored my work that needs to be done on finding my “true self”. If I were more grounded in my true self I wouldn’t have reacted this way to something that is probably nothing.
Alan is always telling me to get out of my head so what better way to do that than to sweat it out; I went for my run. Normally, I run without watching the TV that is attached to the machine. I typically listen to my music and zone out. Today I thought that maybe a little distraction may be in order. This backfired – after 10 minutes of watching a TLC show on weddings I was ready to flip a machine and trash the gym. The show seemed to be about family members and “friends” picking apart brides-to-be as they try on wedding dresses. I turned off the TV when I started fantasizing about packing Bonbon (my car) with wedding dresses, finding these people, waiting for them outside the dress shop only to attack them by forcing them to try on wedding dresses while the brides and I ridiculed them!
Luckily, I realized that this rage wasn’t healthy and really wasn’t about these prats, well maybe just a bit, they were such pricks. Anyway, the rage and anger were about me. With the TV off, I continued thinking about how I was going to go about connecting to my inner self. By being connected, I would be better equipped to stay in the present and not let fear and loneliness dictate my days.
I know what I have to do; to get more aligned with my true self I need to start meditating. I’ve been thinking about it, but I just don’t know how to start. It’s clear that I have to figure out a way to do just that – start. If anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears.
In the end, I completed my run in a better place. I let go of the fear and loneliness and realized that the only way to keep them at bay is to work; I need to work on my body, my mind and my spirit.
When leaving the gym it hit me that I had a workout with Terence, a 3 km run, a fitful night of sleep and now a 5 km run “on” me. Not only was I in a calmer state of mind, I was in a dirty state of being. Today I wasn’t a lucky fucker, I was a dirty fucker.
DIRTY!
thelawofdharma 
Do you have Skype? We could talk sometime and I can definitely help you with meditation…something I’m doing on a regular basis too (and need to get better at the “regular basis” part). 🙂
Sounds like a plan 🙂 Hannah and Bronwyn are great on the Skype. I’ll get them to set me up this weekend. Then we can set up a Skype date 🙂
Good for you for staying committed to your regime!
I like guided meditation because I can follow a story when I am down – I’m particularly fond of Sharon Moon’s meditations on CD (they are Christian-based but not heavy on religion).
Thanks Lynne – I’ll check out Sharon Moon for sure 🙂
You will never be alone. Too many people love you.
Thanks Mom! I love you too 🙂
Everything you’re experiencing, feeling, and thinking is valid. Commend yourself for working through what most people leave buried. My personal hope is that life only has joy left in store for you – in the infinite quantity that you so deserve – but, should obstacles present themselves, you will conquer them. You’re a fighter, in every sense of the word, and you will always get back up, no matter how hard you’re pushed down – stronger and more determined than ever.
PS: I echo mommagsmith (well said). You have my love, my support, my admiration, my ear – anytime you need it.
XO my dear friend; you’re amazing
Ditto to what Steph said.
PS: Not minding the swearing but I am constantly on the look out for that JC word, that you supposedly never ever say 🙂 …just sayin’
Meditation sounds like a great idea
No worries Sharon, the JC word only seems to fly when we’re together 😉
My Monkey, you’re too kind! Thanks so much for your words of encouragement; they mean a lot to me 🙂 Love you, GF
Love you mimi
Please do not be like your auntie who constantly worries. I was told once that 90% of our worries do not happen. Be happy and enjoy your new adventure.
Thanks Mimi – I’ll work on leaving the worries behind me 🙂 Love you 🙂