I almost cried. Thankfully, when I was about to spill over, I was able to breathe deep and push back the fear-filled-tears. “Thankfully” –it’s interesting that I choose this word. Would it have been that bad if I had cried? Maybe it would have helped to let out the fear that had been building inside me all day? But no, I made a choice; one that involved me not going there. Where’s “there” exactly? To be honest, while I initially dodged the destination, I think I’m sitting in the “there” right here and now.
It’s close to two months into this thing and I feel no further ahead. The key word here is “ahead”.
Using boxing as my vehicle, my hope is to find my dharma; I hope the journey from public servant to amateur fighter will result in a multitude of personal transformations.
Without a doubt, I have successfully built a rock solid machine for the year: I’ve slowly been working on me and have been able to come through the tipping point stronger and ready to take those final steps to have a life that is lived intentionally; I’ve a great home environment; I’ve been gifted with supportive family and friends, and I’ve surrounded myself with professionals who are willing and able to help me get into the ring.
There’s a problem though; I can’t seem to get this machine to move. It’s almost like I’ve taken a broken down old shitty car, rebuilt it and now love it so dearly that I’m hesitant to take it out for a ride. I worry that once I get out there, something is bound to happen. When it does, this thing of beauty, this thing that I’ve painstakingly rebuilt, just won’t be the same, it’ll be damaged again.
So here I am, stalled.
While I’m at it, there could be yet another problem all together. It could be that when I’m out there, finally moving forward, I realize that I never really liked cars. All this time, I should have been rebuilding a crappy boat. I realize that I’ve rebuilt the wrong thing and that my journey should be on water and not asphalt.
Now, I’m not stalled, I’m completely and utterly fucked.
I should have cried. If I had, I would have gone “there” with my heart. Instead, I am “there” with my mind.
In my experience, the heart is always kinder than and not as harsh as the mind.
thelawofdharma 
My dear friend….FEAR is driving you right now. False Evidence Appearing Real…FEAR. When fear is present, ego is taking hold. Let the fear go and trust that all will be looked after because it will.
You can do it!
much love,
Barbara
Thanks B, you’re right 🙂
This morning things seem a lot better. I see now that blogging late at night is almost as bad as drunk texting 😉
Love T
This is the way I see it… you have to remember that this car that you have built is just a vehicle, it not an end product. Yes, you have painstakingly built this car and with loving care you have been gentle with it in it’s early days. Wisely, you tested the roads by sticking to town driving, using mostly your first and second gears. But now, this little car you built, has had a taste of the road; its engine is revving high and yes, if you don’t shift into third, then fourth, then fifth and open it up on the highway, it will stall. But it’s a choice and I just don’t see that being your call. I think you ARE ready to open it up on the highway and test that car because you know it’s made of solid stuff. You also know that you can’t discover new places and new opportunities by keeping that car to the city streets and side roads… that there are bigger and more diverse places yet ahead. Remember, your focus till now, and that has been a good thing, has been fairly singular, now maybe it’s time to open yourself up so you can diversify that focus and therefore, continue to move forward. I know you can do it. This feeling is not a reflection of any “mistake”; it’s your inner self calling out to move to the next level so that your journey can continue!! Remember our good friend, Yoda, and you too shall DO! You are in the driver’s seat, baby, get out your map and there will be no limit to where you can go! gxo
Thanks Gailie, I’ll get me a map and hit the open road 🙂 Love you!
Darling, you build a car, a boat, maybe a train the important thing is that you build and try and strive. You gonna be 90 and say damn I built the wrong thing or damn I built something! You got big balls little mama so be proud of yourself.
There is this great story you hear in recovery circles. A caterpillar has to struggle to become a beautiful butterfly, it has to literally fight that cocoon and bust it open and take time and struggle and if someone helps it along, the butterfly will come out with #$%#$% up wings that are all shriveled. So build your vehicles and enjoy the struggle and 10 months from now you will be further ahead then the rest of us humps that just read your blog and live vicariously through you.
K, another cool thought, it may look like you are on the same set of stairs but if you imagine those stairs are those winding ones in a lighthouse you will see you are getting further and further up the staircase shit just looks the same but if you look deeper you are moving forward bit by bit, struggle by struggle, brake by brake:)
The Zen Government Drone
PS I have never commented on a blog, I have never even read a blog actually, is this appropriate what are the rules?? If not you can tell me to go %^$%^#$ myself, some action is better than no action right?
Sarah, you are too cute! I miss your enthusiam! Thank you so much for your words of encouragment. I’m feeling a lot better today and more able to move this machine forward 🙂 And as for your comments, they’re amazing! I’m new to the blog-thing too, but to me, as long as you speak from your heart, you’re good to go 🙂