My overnight trips to Toronto have taken on a certain pattern. The trip starts off with excitement as I drive down to spend time with an old friend. Well, to be honest (and I plan on being brutally so), this person is more than an old friend; he was my first love and is now someone I’ve reconnected with 20 years later. As it turns out, I have more in common with this person than just about anyone I’ve met in the last six years. So, yes, definitely my drive to Toronto is one that is fuelled by hope.

Upon my arrival, I tend to go to the best coffee shop that I’ve been introduced to in TO – Cherry Bomb. Here I order an Americano, a cranberry double chocolate cookie and people-watch. Okay, I people-watch and try to pull my shit together. I don’t want my excitement or hope (which are simmering below the surface) to overflow and undo me.

I tend to sufficiently manage my shit before meeting up with…what should his name be? Let’s call him Duke. (That choice is a call out to you, Hannah-Belles.) Okay, so shit managed, check, and Duke and I are off to the races, check.

I won’t bore you with the details of our time together. Like I said earlier, it’s best to describe it with broad strokes and within the parameters of a pattern.

Pattern: we spend our time talking, sharing, laughing, eating, drinking and barely sleeping. We do all of these activities well, really well. Unfortunately, the pattern has its weak spots and through these cracks in the mortar, old and flawed patterns from the time we spent together as kids seep in.

Old and flawed pattern: I mother him and give. He is aloof and takes.

This old pattern is 20 years past its expiry, but we’ve still taken several gulps from it before being able to confirm that it’s rotten.

In addition to this, Duke and I are in different head spaces when it comes to our readiness for a relationship. As I approach the seven-year mark of being on my own, I’m ready to dive in and build a life with someone. Duke is just not there; his heart, still wounded from a recent break-up, won’t be let itself be deceived by the “illusion of love”.

Needless to say, Duke and I won’t be spending any more time together. As friends, yes, but we’ll no longer linger in the space that fills the gap between that of friend and that of something more.

Getting back to the bigger pattern of my trips to Toronto – before leaving I usually pick up another Americano, hit the road and spend the time between Toronto and St. Catharines over-analyzing the last 24 hours. Thankfully, this time there was a slight variation. I was listening to Adele when her song Best for Last came on; I was struck with how it did all the analysis for me. Here are the lyrics and a video of Adele performing the song live. If you’ve read this far, Adele’s contribution to this blog entry is by far the best part.

  Best For Last

Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?
It’s been there for days on end and
It’s been waiting for you to open up
yours too baby, come on now
I’m trying to tell you just how
I’d like to hear the words roll out of your mouth finally
Say that it’s always been me

That’s made you feel a way you’ve never felt before
And I’m all you need and that you never want more
Then you’d say all of the right things without a clue
But you’d save the best for last
Like I’m the one for you

You should know that you’re just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don’t mean that much to me
You’re just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you’d get away with trying to play me

Why is it every time I think I’ve tried my hardest
It turns out it ain’t enough, you’re still not mentioning love
What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?
I’m taking these chances and getting nowhere
And though I’m trying my hardest you go back to her
And I think that I know things may never change
I’m still hoping one day I might hear you say

I make you feel a way you’ve never felt before
And I’m all you need and that you never want more
Then you’d say all of the right things without a clue
But you’d save the best for last
Like I’m the one for you

You should know that you’re just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don’t mean that much to me
You’re just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you’d get away with trying to play me

But, despite the truth that I know
I find it hard to let go and give up on you
Seems I love the things you do
Like the meaner you treat me more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak, running around
And I will do until I find myself with you

And make you feel a way you’ve never felt before
And I’m all you need and that you never want more
And we’ll say all of the right things without a clue
And you’ll be the one for me and me the one for you